Hi.

I just wanted to tell you good news, that now I'm back to being a student (yay, or no?) Yep, I finally decided to take master degree at UI. Yes of course this' also supported by the miracle of God by making me pass the test lol

This decision certainly have good and bad sides. However, this is a decision that I took, and like it or not, I've to live with a vengeance. Last weekend, I went through college orientation in Rumah Perubahan, Rhenald Kasali School for Enterpreneurs. Very interesting, yet many things are stressful. Looks like next year and a half I'll be undergoing heavy days.

But that's it! Fighting!

Ps. My group get ranked as the second best. And this is our happy faces. See ya!
Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania

I think one of the hardest parts of my maturity over these past two years was the fact that I had to accept that my parents weren't as flawless as I thought them to be before. I'm still grateful for what they did for me in how they raised me and everything, but now there are just some things I realize about them that are far from ok.

Like from them telling me I wasn't beautiful in middle school to now when they keep forcing the ideals of something and money from society that they know I don't want to be a part of.

I don't care if "that's the wat the world works". I'm different, yeah. And if I try to change myself then I'll have accomplished nothing.

Thinking differently and being aware of the problems in this world isn't enough. You have to live by your ideals too, and not submit to those of others.

I guess in that aspect I've outgrown you, haven't I?


Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania

4/11/2012 - breakdown

I'm not hungry
I just had two apples that should be enough
I have this hole in my stomach that needs to be filled with food or completely empty
I wish I was strong
I wish I was dead
I wish I had the guts to end it
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was smart
I wish I was courageous
I wish I was someone else
I'm not hungry
I am a loser
I have no friends
I am invisible
I am imaginary
I am not real this is all fake, just a figment of my imagination
Everyone thinks all I am doing is for attention
They are the enemy, no one is an ally
I am in pain. I express my mental pain through physically harming myself
I deserve nothing
My life will be better when I lose this weight
People will love me if I am thinner
I want to be the thinnest to prove I'm in the most pain
My thighs are disgusting
My stomach is gigantic
My arms are so flabby
I have a quad chin
My calves are the size of actual baby cows
My fingers are so pudgy
My love handles and muffin top hang like 10 spare tyres
Binging proves how fat I really am
I weigh 100 kilos my scale lies to me
I never want to wake up
No one loves me
They will be better off once I'm gone
I will stop wasting peoples time and money
I am so fucking stupid, I always think good things will happen for me
I am going to binge
I am not hungry
I want to purge everything out
I want to tear out my heart
Pain calms me
I need all the food
I want all the food
I don't deserve the food
I am too fat for food
I WILL DIE SOON
Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania

I'm actually fucking delusional right now.

Was in bed trying to fall asleep, which I didn't until 5:00 a.m. because of a damn migraine. Then I ended up waking up every half hour because my brain wouldn't shut the fuck up. I've been up since 6:30 a.m., clearly only gaining 1 and a half hours of sleep. 

Fuck my life right now.





Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania

Sometimes I feel like I live my life through a rearview mirror.
Always leaving behind someone who means everything.
I thought this would get easier.

Sometimes, I dont know how I force myself to keep driving.
When all I want is to stay with you. To stay frozen in a moment.
To feel complete.
Sometimes just thinking about you makes it hard to breathe.
My muscles ache and surge without you.

I think about the nights we lay there deep in conversation.
When you tell me thing that I love to hear.
The heavier the eyelids, the sincerer the words.
I can honestly say, I love you with all the spaces in between.

You're like the stars in my night sky.
The good part of my day.
An addiction of the best kind.
You dont know how beautiful you are.

These days, I dont believe in much.
But I believe in you and me.
I believe in having a love so strong it makes you feel weak.
I believe in having a love so strong that it makes your eyes water.
Theres no greater feeling than falling into you.
Faith. 
Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania

Worthless. Hopeless. Useless. Broken. As always.

Dude, I'm a denial of human being. I'm not good for anything. I hate myself and my life.

I understand why things are the way they are...
it hurts, but I understand it.

People closest to me are better off without me in their lives.

This fact has been proven a few times and I'm getting to the point where I just have to accept it, even if it does hurt a hell of a lot.

We all have that moment where we're just sitting there- our face buried in our hands, tears streaming down our face as we try to remain silent, it feels like your whole world is burning down around you and all you can do is sit there and watch it happen. We've all had it at some point. Try having that feeling every second, of every day. Welcome to my life.



"She is tired of giving her all and do not receive not even the half. She was so broken she got used to. Nothing could hurt her more anymore. She was on the edge of pain. Now, she's dead inside. People who she loves don't even hesitate before hurting her. She shouldn't be alive. She feels that everyday, there are too many too problems, she can't even know what is to be loved anymore. She's lost with no place to go. Her eyes are always wet. No one knows how to dry them. She needs to be strong. And she is. But the limit is coming. She lost her faith, she lost her life. And now, she is going to sleep. Good night."




Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania

Life is a surprise.

I absolutely adore the smell and texture of a second hand book.  I am awed by the very fact that someone else has touched the exact same places on a page that I have.  I am mystified that someone else in the world has shared the exact same, perfect fantasy that I have whilst diving into the depths of a novel.  I never fail to become emotionally attached to at least one character in a book.  I wish that my life were a story sometimes… scripted, thought out, planned… Then I realise that, that is not what life is about.  Life is supposed to be spontaneous and an adventure, and no matter how beautiful it is to read a perfect story… It can never be as inspiring as creating your own life day-by-day.  

I know that I have many flaws and imperfections and that my actions are un-called for and horrendous sometimes.  But then I realise that I would not be sitting here, where I am right now if I had not done everything in my life that I have.  Maybe if I had done things differently, then yes, I could be sitting somewhere else that is far better or I could be somewhere else far worse.  But right now, I am happy.  I have my health, I have a roof over my head and some cash flow.  There is nothing particularly bad about my life right now, except the problems that I create in my head. 

One of these days, someone is going to completely whisk me off my feet and fall in love with every imperfection and flaw that I have, perhaps even love me FOR them.  We'll see.  It could be you, it could be anyone. I wish I could look into the future and see just a glimpse of where I am in thirty or so years.  But I guess that is the whole point of surprises… Right? 



Best regards,
Adindi Ramadhania